Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize