Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
