Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I forget how to act sober
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
