you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
