chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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