Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
