I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
