Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Girls should come with a carfax report
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
