i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
