Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
