hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
