We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
