where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
