I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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