When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
