Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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