If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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