so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
