i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize