It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
