did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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