If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
