im six kinds of drunk right now
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
