There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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