I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So squirting runs in the family.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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