Midget sex pt 2 tonight
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
