Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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