ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
