She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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