Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so explain again why im purple
no
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
