She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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