***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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