I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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