So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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