all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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