She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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