you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
