if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize