just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
