Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
so much tequila, so little girl.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
