I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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