if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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