Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
