Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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