Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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