I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
