Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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