he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
