I haven't been this sober since birth.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
