i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
