This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
