dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
