I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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