Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
