i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
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