I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
