I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A+ Viking dick
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
